On International Women's Day, 2013

Today is International Women’s Day and some of my friends sent me a message saying “Its Our Day”! The phrase suddenly brings forth so many faces and experiences in my mind at the same point of time that I got captivated by my thoughts. In all those faces I see myself in different phases of my life. I can actually connect with the experience and reactions of all. I got lost into a vast space wherein I have interacted with these women who are in a way parts of me only. 

I met my Grandma in my mind, who in her bid to maintain dignity never lost her temper ever, in spite of all the social stigma that she had to bear throughout her life. She never mouthed any bad word even as she carried around all the deep mental bruises throughout her life. It’s may be because of her that I find abuses absolutely intolerable. And today we, an extended huge family with perhaps more than 250 members, put her in pedestal of epitome of dignified women. I wonder if anybody ever asked her whether she was happy about the way she portrays herself and lived her life? 

I met my family-friend, in my mind, who is well qualified, economically independent urban woman. Or so we thought for the past 10 years of more. All of a sudden after all these years we had to get to know that she suffered physical abuse from the very next day of her marriage. She stays in the relationship much like any other domestic violence victim and we keep living in the hope that one day she would gather broken pieces of her spirit, put them together and would live a life. And we wait for the day when we can be of any real help to her.

I get highly encourages when Shukhmanti comes to my mind. She is member of the  Dalit community who had to bear abuses after coming back from workshop by fellow villagers (obviously from higher castes). The guy had the audacity to ask who she spent the night with! But Sukhmanti remained calm and told him, “Whatever I might have done last night, whoever I have been with, whenever I come back, its my life. And you know what! I will not even touch you with barge pole”.

An adolescent girl started working with us in the village and in due course got married. Its only a few months back that she asked me ‘Can I get a cycle so that I can cover more area and dissemination is much faster?’ All of a sudden I got a call the other day informing that she would not be part of the process of village development any more. What was the reason? The informed reason was that her in-laws especially mother in law don’t want her to work.  It was a shocking and saddening moment for me. During my next visit I went to her in laws place to have an informal chat with her extended family and without telling anything about the subject I gave her a hug and left. Both of us had tears in our eyes. Next day she came to the centre with her mother in law and to my surprise her mother in law assured me that the girl would work and its her responsibility to make it happen. Very important to note here that it’s the husband who was opposing her work not mother in law. My judgement that saas-bahu saga is most of the time a “made up story” got proved all over again.  

I met my confidante in tribal heartland when we decided to work with primitive tribal groups. Believe me the girl belongs to tribes who are hungry, poverty stricken as you might have seen in Discovery Channel. Unlike Africa when we entered their village the community threatened the girl that we might be Naxalites. The unmarried girl defying all social pressure came up as pioneer to change the future of their community. Now someone told me Basanti has become “Neta”, I am amazed, and a higher caste telling in public a tribal girl has became a “Leader”.

All these stories are about you and me, wherein we strive to be perfectly dignified women and never bother about our happiness. We undergo domestic violence without knowing definition and meaning moreover law (PWDVA, Visakha Judgement) to protect ourselves against domestic violence. Suddenly I discovered, it took me no less than nine years to understand the definition of domestic violence! Hence, no wonder that others are taking their time too. Whenever we try to step out of our socially defined roles there is constant attempt to assassin our character. We should look up to Sukhmanti and know what we need to do. We all need to understand these women vs women tales are patriarchal creations. We must also remember that like the menfolk we also need family support to work and there is no shame in admitting that.

The natural leader will emerge from each one of us the day we will start approving ourselves and don’t look for approvals from others. The day will be definitely ours.